***Trigger warning- content of this blog may be graphic and can trigger trauma reactions-may not be suitable for young children***

My name is Gracie, and I am a victim of domestic violence.

I thought maybe I could die. I thought maybe then everything would go away, I could be in peace. I sat on my bed rocking back and forth, with my six-week old baby cradled in my arms crying under my breath “God is faithful, God is faithful, God is faithful” I repeated it over and over and over, hoping I the next time I said it I would believe it. Tears streaming, my scrubs getting wrinkled as I crunched in a near fetal position trying to comprehend what was going on around me. Here. In my bedroom. In my home. In my safe place.

He stood next to the bed shouting and screaming at me. Telling me how I was obviously cheating on him. Pulling out my work record from the meeting I had just come from with my boss. They were concerned. I wasn’t myself. I was late for work, frequently. And they noticed. They noticed the bruises covering my arms. My exhaustion. They pulled out my clock in and clock out time. He proceeded to go over them. One by one. Showing me how I was obviously lying to him. I started to believe maybe I was going crazy, maybe I hadn’t been at work, maybe I was losing my mind. Was I even worth anything? Maybe my baby would be better off without me. Maybe everyone would be better off without me.

I just wanted to get out. But how do you get out of something if you don’t even know how you got in there to begin with?! I tried to leave more than once. I tried to get my things and leave. But he would not let me get further than the garage. He would do whatever he had to do to get me to come back. If that meant he was going to be sweet again, that is what that meant. He was then sweet. And he’d suck me back in.

How embarrassing. Everyone told me it was a bad idea. Everyone told me not to do it. I did it just to prove them wrong and here I am proving them right. I’m married to an abusive meth addict and I feel nothing less than trapped. The shame washes over me and pulls me under like a swift undertow. I’m struggling to move forward, but the water keeps dragging me back into the abyss of the ocean. Into the blackness. The more shame sucks me in, the more I hide the truth, the more shame grows and the worse I feel. A cycle of shit.

They often say how addicts have to hit rock bottom before they will decide to recover. The same often goes for victims of domestic violence. Rock bottom is different for everyone, but it always hurts. No matter who you are. Rock bottom is when you’re identity has been stripped of you. Rock bottom is searching for a counselor to help you patch things up with your husband because he hit you, again, and you know he just needs counseling, then he’ll be better. Rock bottom is staring at the man you married and thought you loved and seeing nothing. Seeing blackness. Seeing no soul. Rock bottom is those eyes staring directly into yours while they tell you the only thing you can do to make them happy is to slit your own throat. Rock bottom is being pulled out of the car by your hair. Rock bottom is watching him drive away with your child in the car seat unbuckled and unsafe.

At rock bottom, you find yourself void of emotion. You can’t. Feel. Anything. Because if you let yourself feel you’ll have to admit to the mistakes that lead to the hole you’ve fallen into. Sometimes it feels like the hole you dove into. Somehow, by the grace of God, the fog was lifted, and I somehow found my way out, I’m not always sure how it happened. Sometimes it feels like the drive home after a 12-hour night shift, you realize you made it home but aren’t always sure how you got there. It’s terrifying, because you can’t remember every part of your journey, but a relief because somehow you have made it to the other end, and you’re finally safe again.

“1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime and 60% of those domestic violence incidences happen at home; in what should be your safe place. While domestic violence and substance abuse are often found in the same home, they are two very separate problems.’

A person with an addiction does not always have an abuse problem and vice versa. This said, it has been found that these two issues are closely related. The majority of abusers do suffer from the disease of addiction, while this never excuses or minimizes their behavior, its worth noting. Its important to separate the two issues of addiction and domestic abuse while still understanding they may be related.

There is never an excuse for domestic violence. Throughout this blog we will explore the tactics abusers use, and we will walk through what it feels like to have these tactics used on you as the victim. The goal of this blog is to provide practical information and validation for both victims and family members as they navigate the world of abuse as well as addiction. There will be a lot of similarities between abusers and addicts as they have a lot of similar personality traits; prone to lie, cheat and manipulate. While there are many similarities it is so important to draw a very clear line between the two of them. It is so easy as a victim of domestic violence to fall for the excuse of drugs or alcohol “causing” your partner to abuse you. The reality is, our abusers have a choice. Even when they are drunk or high, they are able to pick who they want to demean, ridicule or become violent with. You will notice when your partner is drunk or high he is able to keep himself composed enough to deal with strangers or even the police. This is demonstrating control. This completely debunks their excuse of assaulting you, verbally or physically, only because they were under the influence.

One of the most difficult things to swallow as an abused woman is that very word; ABUSED. I don’t know if I can explain the amount of shame involved in recognizing and acknowledging the abuse. Its often easier to ignore it, or to excuse the behavior so you feel more in control of your life this way. Its much easier to make statements like, “we are just more passionate than other couples” or ” we are both abusive, really. I mean I slapped him one time!” Here’s the deal. Every crappy person in the world is NOT an abuser. There are just very rude and disrespectful people. So what makes it cross the line into abuse?? From what I’ve experienced, the crossing over period is when the individual in question is consistently and intentionally implementing abuse tactics in order to assume power and control over another.

I did slap him once. According to him I was the reason our relationship crossed the line into physical abuse. I didn’t really know how to respond, because wasn’t he right?? I was the first one to ever “hit” anyone in our relationship. I was the first one to strike!! And now I’m sitting here wondering how I could be so stupid as to open this big pandora’s box of violence?!?! Obviously, now that I have initiated the first strike, every strike following is my fault. His victim blaming tactic went off with out a hitch. he had me reeling, thinking I was the abusive one for a while, or at least sharing fully in the abuse responsibility. Interestingly, I took some time to dissect that day when I slapped him across the face since I’ve left the fog of the abusive relationship and a few key points should be recognized. The argument started over a comment about his ex girlfriend. I had just had a baby, and was even more vulnerable than before I was pregnant, my emotions where everywhere simply due to the hormonal influence of childbirth.

He had made some comment about his ex always doing something that I never did, insinuating she was better for him than I was….me…his wife…holding his infant son just a week after delivering him. I couldn’t believe he would compare me to his ex, the same woman who he scorned for her manipulation, accusations and emotional abuse (her and I are friends now, so I’m allowed to say this stuff). She was horrible to me when she found out I was pregnant, calling me a whore and berating me about what she saw was ‘stealing her man’ despite them being broken up. And now he was wishing I was more like her???? I was confused, and hurt and disgusted with myself for not being “good enough”. I got angry, I screamed, I yelled. And then he laughed at me, looked me straight in the eye in a calm and steady voice, he told me to go ahead and act crazy. He told me he wasn’t afraid to go to jail for assault like he did with one of his previous girlfriends. An incident he had mentioned in detail when we met. He cried when he told me what happened and how guilty he felt but he had become so angry after his professional boxer girlfriend had broken his nose one too many times. She was drunk according to him and wrecked their car while he was driving home. And he “redded out”. He didn’t even know what he was doing until he came to and saw his bloodied girlfriend lying there unable to move. (For the record, this is also where a lot of shame comes in. The minute you tell someone this story they say things like, how did you fall for that story=how could you be so stupid?)

At this point I was enraged. How could he treat me like this?! I just birthed his first son!! I sacrificed everything in my life to help him! My home, my perfect credit score, my time, my life, everything I gave to him so he could make his life better, and this is how he was going to talk to me. As I held my son I walked over to him and slapped him across his face. My face was puffed up and red with anger, my eyes welling up with tears. Even as I went to slap him, I thought it was a terrible idea, but I chose to do it anyway. He looked at me and laughed. I was immediately terrified. The argument escalated and he told me to put the baby down so he had more room to hit me. I obeyed for fear of my son’s safety. He didn’t end up hitting me that day, instead he put a hole in the wall.

Tactics he used clearly in the example above are gaslighting, victim blaming, humiliation, threats and indirect violence. As we dig further into each of these in following blog posts, you’ll begin to recognize their use. You may find yourself recognizing many of these tactics in your own relationship. These tactics ARE abuse. There is no dancing around it. I know you may not be ready to call it that, and that’s ok. It takes time to fully process what you are going through or what you went through and that is also OK. Healing happens at a different pace for everyone so take your time. But please, if you even THINK you are in an abusive relationship or you have a family member in an abusive relationship, reach out to an abuse hotline. Just talk to them! I called a few times. Sometimes for nothing more than just to say, I don’t understand how this happened, how am I in an abusive relationship?! 

It has taken me a great support system, and a great bit of encouragement to put all of this out there. I feel compelled to share my story, because at the end of the day we are in this life together. We are humanity, and we are woven together through experience and survival. I’m here to share my story of survival. I’m here to share the tools I’ve learned and developed over my life time and intently over the past few years. I’m here to help you, or your sister, or your mom, or your friend, or whoever in your life find the tools, the courage, and the strength to survive. We are in this together.

I’m here to share my story of how I was victimized survived. I’m here to be the voice of those who have none right now, because they are suppressed or scared, or trapped. The voice of those who are too afraid to stand up to their aggressor. The voice of those who find themselves so encapsulated in the chaos of addiction, they are convinced it’s their job to save the one they love. Those who are too ashamed to reach out for help, to reach out for support and feel totally and completely unloved and alone. I have been there. I have been that scared. I have been that isolated. I have been that alone. And I survived.

My name is Grace. I’m a SURVIVOR. This is OUR story.