Dear New Girl,
He is amazing. He is your soulmate. He sees the world the way you do. He loves the way you do. Its absolutely perfect. He looks at you in a way you never could have anticipated. He brings you out of your shell in a way you never knew possible. When his eyes meet yours, they soften, they melt, and they make YOU melt. You know his past. He’s shared everything with you, and I mean EVERYTHING.

He told you about what happened with me and him and how devastatingly it ended for both of us. He shared with you in that heartbreak. Every single part of it, because he doesn’t want to hide anything from you.
I know he told you about when he was 3 or 4 and saw his mom get beaten by his dad. I know he told you about memories of playing with his dad with a trainset or cars or something before he left them. I know he told you how terrible his mom was, how ‘crazy’ she was and how he hates her because she’s never helped him with anything. About his grandfather killing himself, and how deeply it affected him. I know he’s gone over the story of losing his first child. I know he choked up when he talked about it, and your eyes welled up with tears as you held him. I know you felt such loss for him. He detailed how his mom didn’t even help pay for the funeral. How the only people who helped him were from the group home his mom put him in when he turned 13. He told you about his horrible step dad, and how much of his issues started with his adoptive father’s death. He detailed his heartache. His misfortune after misfortune. One thing after another that happened to him, things completely outside of his control.
I know he told you how devastatingly sorry he was for his mistakes. He said he was always abandoned. He hopes you won’t do the same. He knows he’s not perfect. He admits to every horrible thing he’s ever done, and its refreshing. Its refreshing to hear someone unabashedly explain they aren’t perfect and seemingly take responsibility for their mistakes as they try to move their life forward! Its compelling, its inspiring. He’s detailed the shattering effects of his addiction, how the addiction caused his wife to walk away and take his children. How he misses his children so much. How he hasn’t seen his son in almost two years and his daughter in even longer. The things he’s been through!!! My Word, ANYONE would be wounded and broken. I know you see him and want to scoop him up and hold him. You see a grown man in tears and you are impressed with his emotional maturity to be able to cry, and you hurt for the pain he is feeling and you want so badly to be able to help him .
I know as you stare at the man that you love, you wish these other people who have continued to put obstacles in his way would just STOP and give him the room to GROW THAT HE NEEDS! If people would just stop abandoning him he would be able to reach his potential!! I know you see that. I know what you’re thinking. I know you’re thinking only a terrible mother would keep her kids away from their father when he is so obviously getting better, not perfect….but better. He’s not using drugs at all. At least not meth. He drinks occasionally, but its not like he gets drunk every day. He has fun, he’s still allowed to have fun. But he’s better, and he deserves to know his children, and more importantly his children deserve to know him!
I know he told you about the first time he was arrested for domestic assault. He mentioned his girlfriend, who was a professional boxer, she knew how to throw a punch. He told you how she gave him black eyes and broken noses but he never laid a hand on her, until this one night. She was drunk, and he was trying to get them home. He had made his mistakes in the argument that night, but in her drunken state she made him get into an accident. His car flew off the road because of her and he became so angry he ‘red-ed out’. He probably had to explain to you what that meant, its like when you black out while drinking, except this happens when you’re so angry you completely lose control. Think the incredible Hulk. You just GO CRAZY. And when he came to, she was lying there. Bleeding. And as he told the story he sobbed. He sobbed at his horrible mistake. He couldn’t believe he was capable of something so horrific. You listened intently. And you just couldn’t believe the man in front of you did something like that, and he felt so bad about it. He just lost control. Understandable with all she had put him through. These things happen, the man can’t take all the blame just because he’s a man.
He probably mentioned the next girl. The one who fathered his beautiful daughter. He probably mentioned how he pushed her against the wall and then she got him arrested for no reason. She knew about his past and how quickly he’d be arrested so she called the police. She was vindictive, that girl. And she told him the baby wasn’t his. So what was he to do? He went about his life. It was hard, he had no idea. Its hard to believe a woman could be so callous, and whorish to not even know who her baby belonged to! Wow. Disgusting.
And then he told you about me. He probably told you about how I was controlling, and difficult. He probably told you about how I used to call him like a mad woman when he left the house. He probably told you about the time I went “crazy” and said I was going to get the gun and kill myself. He may have even shown you a video of it, it wasn’t my proudest moment, I had certainly reached a breaking point. That night I said goodbye to my son as I left for work, and I thought maybe his life would be better if I wasn’t in it.
I know he told you about how much he loved me but how I promised to be there for him when he went to rehab and I served him with divorce papers anyway. How I broke his heart, and took his son from him. He probably told you how I cheated on him, and he’s not even sure the baby he’s never met is even his.

He may have even told you about the first time he hit me. The day I ended up on the ground with my 2 week old son in my arms surrounded by pieces of canvas from the wall hanging my body flew into after impact. He may have told you about when I started a fight with him and wouldn’t back down, and I wrestled with him in the garage and ended up with bruises covering my arms and legs. The bruises my mom noticed, on my neck from when he threw me up against the wall by my neck. He probably told you about how aggressive I was and terrible I was with him, and how I egged him on until he snapped. It wasn’t his fault, there is only so much a man can take.

Sweet girl, he told me many of the same horrific stories and I believed every emotional moment of it. Its hard to explain to someone who has never experienced the draw, how its possible to fall for it. I know you don’t believe you are falling for anything but a genuinely changed man. But eventually, he will call you a b*** he will call you a whore and a slut. It might not be today, or tomorrow, or a month from now or a year from now, but it will happen. He will demean you, he will spit on you, he will throw a drink in your face. He will intimidate you, he will scare you, he will stand over you just to know he can instil fear.

I have wanted to reach out to you so many times. I have wanted to warn you, to ‘save’ you, to beg you to get away while you still can. I’ve thought about messaging your family on facebook, to warn them, to let them know how scary this situation is. I realize, though, if I do any of these things it will only validate the perspective you already have of me, and solidify your relationship even more. So what on earth can I do? What can I do to fix this?! What can I do to make this better?! How do I prevent this from happening over and over and over again. Why didn’t I call the police the first time he hit me! Why didn’t I call the police the second time, the third time!?! Why didn’t I love myself enough to know I deserved better, to know I also deserved the compassion, loyalty and love I was endlessly pouring out. And WORSE, why didn’t I love my son enough to leave that very day he hit me, nearly knocking my tiny newborn off my shoulder.

I guess looking back it would be easy to change how things went. To read the warning signs immediately and stop it before I got in too deep. Listen to his ex girlfriend as she told me how dangerous he really was. I wish I would have listened.

Honestly though, as I put the pieces of my life back together, slowly, but surely, I am learning. I’m learning my worth, and I’m learning what my role is in the aftermath. I pray for you sweet girl. I pray for you often, I pray for all of his ex girlfriends often. I pray for the women who have come forward detailing how he raped them. Its more than one and their stories are the same, its chilling.

One day you will wake up to the realization you are truly sleeping with an enemy. I want you to know I’ll be here. I’ll be here for you when everything falls apart. I’m here now, silently praying for you, for your strength, for your stability, for your ability to see. I’m praying for you very hard, and often. Its all I can do.

Please sweet girl, please. Be safe. Please, survive. Please, secretly program a domestic abuse line into your phone. Please, keep your life. PLEASE. I’m begging you. I’m pleading with you. You are stronger than you know. You are smarter than you realize.

With Love,

Gracie